Bullying or being bullied is not natural and definitely not a necessary part of human development. In order to support the safe development of a child, it is important for every parent to regularly talk to their children and to know how their children are doing.
The main recommendations for you are:
- Find time for your child, discuss things with them and try to understand how they feel at school, who they communicate with and what they think of their friends. This allows you to prevent your child ending up in a situation where they are bullied or start bullying others.
- Contact a psychologist if you need more advice on how to help your child. If necessary, you can also contact a psychologist at a counselling centre outside of the school. You will find the contact details of support specialists in the information leaflet “Options of Receiving Psychological and Psychiatric Help in Estonia” (electronic version of the leaflet in Estonian is available in the information materials section on the website of the Chancellor of Justice).
1. A bully is not a bad child and you are not a bad parent.
The bully needs help and the damage their behaviour is causing must be explained to them. If you feel that you need advice on how to support your child, do not hesitate to contact the support specialist at the school or at a counselling centre.
2. In order to change a bully’s behaviour, they must be given a clear message that their behaviour is unacceptable.
Behaving like a bully is never acceptable and must stop – even if the bully’s skills, knowledge or behaviour with other people are extremely good or even outstanding.
3. Bullying is not a natural part of growing up.
Children who are victims of bullying do not become stronger or develop better because of it. On the contrary, bullying may cause irreversible damage to the victim. Bullies who have been permitted to carry on tend to express contempt in communication with others or cause unlawful damage later in life.
4. A bully is often motivated by fear that their position in the class or group is not secure.
They believe that bullying or having others bullied helps them maintain their position among others or gain their approval. Being dependent on the opinion of others is characteristic of young age and unavoidable, especially among teenagers. The bully may use harmful actions to divert attention from their own possible ‘shortcomings’ such as insecurity, fear, a feeling of worthlessness or an inability to cope with complicated situations.
5. The conduct of a bully is ‘kept alive’ by onlookers
or people whose opinions are important to the bully. This means that condemning bullying alone is not enough – it is also necessary to contact the school to seek solutions together.
6. Condemning all kinds of violence and humiliating behaviour is essential.
It should be borne in mind that when a child determines what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’, they proceed from the reality they see and experience every day instead of what is expressed in words. So when people at home say one thing but behave differently, children tend to proceed from the behaviour they witness. For example, a child who receives corporal punishment (which is forbidden) at home may come to the conclusion that hitting others is permitted. In this case a parent telling the child that hitting others is wrong looks like a hypocrite to the child.
What should you do?
If you notice signs in the behaviour of your child that suggest bullying (sending humiliating messages, frequent expression of contempt towards a classmate, spiteful jokes about a specific child etc.) then:
1. Keep calm and think about how you could discuss the matter with your child.
You as a parent set an example to your child through your behaviour. Although it may be difficult for you to keep calm, acting on emotion may lead you to make decisions you later regret.
2. Evaluate your knowledge and skills.
Are you able to resolve the situation yourself or do you need help? If necessary, find someone who can help you (e.g. the psychologist at the school or at a counselling centre). There is no shame in admitting that you are scared or do not know how to approach the issue. However, ignoring the situation is shameful.
3. Talk to the child and listen to them; be their partner and discuss the matter together.
Find time for your child, talk to them and try to understand how they perceive and understand the situation. Let the child describe the occurrence to you in their own words. If the child has to describe what they did to another child, it may help them gain a better understanding of how the bullied child felt. Let your child explain the reasons for their behaviour, but do not forget that they may be confused and unable to explain their behaviour.
4. Think about whether your child has sufficient opportunities to satisfy their need for achievement and recognition (hobbies, sports etc.).
Bullying may be related to a child’s need for attention and recognition or their low selfesteem. Help your child find a hobby or subject in which they are strong. Praise the child in situations where they have behaved well –negative feedback alone will not teach them how to behave positively. However, you must also tell them clearly when their behaviour is unacceptable, incl. when they bully others.
5. Contact a teacher and/or representative of the school as soon as possible.
Tell them about your observations and ask them for advice on how to behave in such a situation.
6. Contact a psychologist if necessary.
You can contact the school psychologist or a specialist working at a counselling centre for help.
Bullying or being bullied is not natural and definitely not a necessary part of human development. In order to support the safe development of a child, it is important for every parent to regularly talk to their children and to know how their children are doing.
The main recommendations for you are:
- Find time for your child, discuss things with them and try to understand how they feel at school, who they communicate with and what they think of their friends. This allows you to prevent your child ending up in a situation where they are bullied or start bullying others.
- Contact a psychologist if you need more advice on how to help your child. If necessary, you can also contact a psychologist at a counselling centre outside of the school. You will find the contact details of support specialists in the information leaflet “Options of Receiving Psychological and Psychiatric Help in Estonia” (electronic version of the leaflet in Estonian is available in the information materials section on the website of the Chancellor of Justice).
1. Do not forget that nothing justifies bullying!
Nobody’s behaviour, character, nationality, body shape, hair colour, material position, skills and knowledge (or lack thereof), clothes or habits justify bullying.
2. A child who has become a victim of bullying may not be open to discussing it.
Any discussion would make the child relive their unpleasant experiences, which means that you must be very delicate when you talk to them.
3. Do not try to make the events sound less important or use irony; do not offer solutions randomly or dish out blame.
Avoid saying things like “That’s nothing, you’ll be fine, no big deal!”, “You’re not a baby anymore, you should cope with this!”, “Stay away from the bullies then!” or “Don’t be such a cry baby!”. Other children are very important to a child and it is also important for them to feel the approval of others.
4. Only a child themselves can assess whether they feel good and safe or whether they feel threatened by someone’s behaviour.
Something that seems insignificant to a parent may be perceived as a devastating experience by a child.
5. The school and teachers alone are not responsible for the occurrence of bullying.
Although it may seem to parents that teachers can or should be able to control everything that happens at school, this is impossible in practice. There are always moments during the day when the school staff are not there to witness a case of bullying and do not find out about it.
6. Understand your child’s fear of dealing with bullying.
Children may justifiably feel the inability of their parents or teachers to immediately and permanently resolve a problem, as neither parents nor teachers accompany the child at all times. There is also the threat that speaking openly about the problem may see them condemned by their peers.
7. Everyone has the right and obligation to stop bullying immediately.
Any child can run into conflict, but bullying as a systematic expression of contempt and causing harm to others is completely unacceptable.
8. Consider the possibility that your child has not told a teacher about being bullied, that they may not tell you everything or that they may distort some details.
Children may feel that they are to blame for being bullied in some situations, that they have been useless or that hiding the truth will save them from condemnation by other children or parents.
9. As a parent, you cannot demand that you child be popular in their class, but you have the right to presume that when your child treats others with respect, they are treated with respect in return.
You also have the right to presume that school staff are prepared to cooperate with parents to ensure that children treat everyone in a manner that is respectful and offers security.
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
If you notice signs in your child’s behaviour that suggest they may be bullied (withdrawal, fear of school, lack of friends, anger against everyone and everything, signs of physical violence etc.) then:
1. Keep calm and think about how you could discuss the matter with the child.
You as a parent set an example to your child with your behaviour. Although it may be difficult for you to keep calm, acting on emotion may lead you to make decisions you later regret.
2. Talk to your child and tell them what you have noticed.
Tell them that you are worried about them and want to help. Support your child and be a person they can trust implicitly.
3. Promise your child that you will not be cross with them if they tell you everything.
When a child talks about difficult things, they need to know that their parents will support them no matter what.
4. Discuss the next steps to be taken to stop the bullying with your child.
Before you go to anyone and disclose the full details of the bullying, discuss this with your child. They must be convinced that you will not take any steps behind their back to resolve this matter.
5. Contact the school and ask what you could do together to stop the bullying.
Bullying can be stopped if all adults work together and each of them makes a contribution.
6. Evaluate your knowledge and skills to cope with the situation.
Are you able to resolve the situation yourself or do you need help? If necessary, find someone who can help you (e.g. the psychologist at the school or at a counselling centre).
